Addicted to Approval
Quit hustling for validation and start building confidence that lasts
I used to wake up every morning with the same question.
Where did I fall short?
Before my feet hit the floor, I was already hustling through my checklist. Which leader needed to be impressed with my performance today? I blew that presentation yesterday. How would I make things right?
My entire day, my sense of worth, hung on what others thought of me. Or what I thought they thought about me.
That presentation I mentioned? Perfect example. I’d prepared for days. Practiced my slides until I could recite them backwards. But I’d prepared for all the wrong things.
The senior executive sat there, arms crossed, asking questions I hadn’t anticipated. My boss’s face told me everything I needed to know before he confirmed it later: “That didn’t go well.” I’d presented the numbers perfectly, but I hadn’t prepared for the follow-up questions. For the pushback. For the actual conversation.
I felt dejected for days. Actually, that’s not strong enough. I felt like everything I’d worked for was crumbling. Like that one meeting defined my personal worth.
Unfortunately, this was my life at the time: treating other people’s real or imagined opinions like they defined me. Every frown became an indictment. Every silence meant disapproval. I’d over-explain myself if I thought someone didn’t get it. I kept a mental scorecard throughout the day, tallying wins and losses based on facial expressions, email tone, and reactions during meetings.
The truth no one tells you? Everyone else is mostly thinking about themselves, not you. That frown? They were probably thinking about problems with their kids. That silence? Maybe they just zoned out.
But I couldn’t see that. I was too busy putting my worth in other people’s hands, thinking one more sign of approval would finally be enough.
It never was.
It never will be.
There was always another person to impress, another presentation to nail, another level to reach. The truth is, you can’t win a game that has no finish line.
Here’s what the hustle actually looked like: I’d finish a presentation, get a slight nod from leadership, and feel good for exactly two hours. Then the high wore off. Time to chase the next thing. Meanwhile, I’d replay every negative interaction on a loop. Lying in bed at night, I’d dissect conversations, especially the worst ones.
Sleep is not an option when your brain prosecutes your self-worth on repeat.
The real cost? I was mentally exhausted from being “on” at work all day, then came home cranky to the people I loved most. I gave my best energy to people whose approval I’d never win, and my family got the leftovers.
But there is another way. Mandy Hale nailed it when she said:
“An amazing thing happens when you stop seeking approval and validation: You find it. People are naturally drawn like magnets to those who know who they are and cannot be shaken.”
I’ve written here before about my brain infection and subsequent surgery. I can’t believe it took something that dramatic to wake me up. Lying in that hospital bed, I certainly wasn’t thinking about validation from others. I was thinking, if this were my last day on earth, had my life mattered?
The shift wasn’t instant. Months of recovery gave me time to think. Too much time. But slowly, I started to realize that my worth as a human being had nothing to do with my latest win. My worth was given to me by my creator, and no one could take that from me.
You’ve read this far for a reason. Maybe you woke up this morning with that same question: Who’s upset with me? Maybe you’re keeping your own mental scorecard, measuring your worth by other people’s reactions. You don’t need brain surgery to wake up. You just need to be honest about what this mindset is costing you.
Here’s your 10-minute assignment: Take out a piece of paper right now. Write down what you worried about this morning. Who were you trying to impress today? Whose approval feels essential to your survival?
Now flip it over. Write down three things you’d do differently if you knew your worth wasn’t up for debate. If that issue was settled. Be specific. “Speak up in that meeting about the direction we’re taking.” “Stop checking Instagram every five minutes for validation.” “Leave work on time without apologizing.”
Pick one. Do it this week.
The approval you’ve been chasing is an inside job. When you approve of who you are and who you can become, something shifts.
You stop performing and start BEING.
I think about all the time I lost. Days worrying about what my others thought. Nights replaying conversations. Years measuring my worth by moving targets.
Stop waiting for someone else to tell you you’re enough. I’m telling you today that you already are.
This week, pick that one thing from your list. Do it for your approval, not theirs.
That’s when everything starts to change.
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