Before Blaming Yourself, Read This.
The mindset shift that changes how you handle anything
Listen
Shame, boatloads of shame
Day after day, more of the same
Blame, please lift it off
Please take it off, please make it stop
”Shame” - The Avett Brothers
For 30 years, my mornings looked the same.
5 AM. Coffee. Workout. Devotional time. Shower and dress. Drive to work. Sit down at my desk and open my calendar. Meetings stacked back-to-back. Deliverables with someone else’s deadline.
I didn’t have to decide what mattered that day. Someone else had already decided for me.
Then I took an early buyout from my corporate job to focus on coaching and writing full-time. And a few weeks in, I woke up at 6 AM, opened my calendar, and stared at a whole lot of nothing.
No meetings. No boss. No structure.
I thought that feeling would be exciting. It wasn’t. It was terrifying.
I’m generally an optimistic person, a “glass half full” kind of dude. But that blank calendar was messing with my head. What if I waste the whole day? What if I don’t get anything done?
I’ll be honest, those first several weeks, I didn’t sleep great. But I’ve learned a few things since then, and I want to share them with you.
When you’re staring at a problem you don’t know how to solve, you have three choices:
Blame others. Blame your job for making you dependent on structure. Blame your boss. Blame the system. This solves absolutely nothing. It just provides excuses so you don’t have to think about the real issue in front of you.
Focus on your shortcomings. Tell yourself you should have figured this out already. You’re behind. Other people handle this just fine. Why can’t you figure it out in a couple of months? This approach is like punching yourself in the face over and over. It won’t move you forward. It just confirms every fear you already had.
Or ask yourself: “What is this situation asking of me?” What am I being called to grow into? What new skills do I need to build? That, my friends, is a question worth asking.
The blank calendar wasn’t a threat. It was an invitation to a new life. For 30 years, someone else had been designing my days. This new situation was asking me to learn how to design my own. Of course, I didn’t know how to do it yet. It’s just a skill I hadn’t needed to develop until now. Now I have the opportunity to build those muscles.
I also noticed something else.
If I want to work out at 10 in the morning, I can. If Susanna and I want to hop on our bikes at 2 on a Tuesday afternoon, we can. The only have-tos on my list are the ones I’ve put there. That kind of freedom is invigorating.
C.S. Lewis said,
“There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”
I like his perspective. What we focus on expands. Why not focus on a positive outcome?
Choice #3 doesn’t make the challenge disappear. The blank calendar was still blank. The uncertainty was still real. But it shifted my posture from victim to owner. And an owner can get better every day.
You’re going to face something this week that doesn’t have an easy answer. Maybe it’s a close relationship that’s struggling. Perhaps you got a bad report from the doctor. A work initiative that went south. A college class project with a looming deadline and deadbeat teammates.
Before you blame someone else or beat yourself up, ask the question.
What is this situation asking of me?
You’re capable of rising to the occasion and becoming who you need to be in order to meet those challenges. I’m cheering for you.
P.S. This Friday at 1:30 PM CST, I will be talking to Amanda Leachman about how high performers can avoid the trap of tying their identity to their performance. It’s our first Substack live. Here’s the link. Do join us!
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