Fire the Bully, Hire the Coach

A simple framework for transforming how you talk to yourself

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I play HORSE with my 11-year-old neighbor, J.P. He always beats me. He’s a great kid with next-level persistence, talent, and a positive attitude. The other day, I saw him and his mom. J.P. had his head down and looked defeated. This was unusual for him. Whether he's reading, running, or working on his jump shot, J.P. doesn't give up.

"What's going on, buddy?" I asked.

His mom explained he'd just finished running a mile but wasn't happy with his time. I tried the usual encouragement—told him not to be so hard on himself, that he could build on this and do better next time. I also told him that one of the hardest things for people of any age to do was to not talk badly to themselves.

Then J.P. said something that hit me between the eyes:

"Unfortunately, I talk bad to myself about 85% of the time."

Eighty-five percent. From an eleven-year-old.

This is a bright, positive kid with two of the best parents I’ve ever met. If he's battling this inner bully 85% of the time, what about the rest of us?

The Bully

Here's the thing: We all have an inner bully that has been given free rein for way too long. You know the one. They show up when you miss a deadline and whisper, "You're such a failure." They're there when you look in the mirror, when you stumble over words in a meeting, when your kid has a meltdown in Target.

This bully says things to you that you'd never say to someone you love. Imagine talking to your best friend the way you talk to yourself. You wouldn’t be friends for long.

The worst part? We've gotten so used to this bully that we think it's normal. We think it's just "being realistic" or "holding ourselves accountable."

It's not. It's self-abuse, and it's keeping you from becoming who you were meant to be.

What if instead of employing a bully, you hired a coach? Not the rah-rah, everything-is-awesome type. A real coach—someone who sees your potential, calls out your mistakes without destroying you, and helps you grow from setbacks.

The good news? That coach is already inside you, ready to get in the game. You just need to give them the tools.

The 3 C's: Your Self-Coaching Playbook

Here's a simple framework I've been using and sharing. It's called the 3 C's:

1. CATCH the thought

Notice when the bully shows up. That voice saying, "You're an idiot" or "You'll never change." Just catch it. Don't judge yourself for having the thought—we all have them. Simply notice: "Oh, there's my inner bully again." Heck, you may even want to name this bully (mine is named Pat - a story for another time).

Most of us are so used to this voice that we don't even register it as abnormal. Start paying attention. You might be surprised how often it shows up.

2. CHALLENGE the truth

Ask yourself two questions:

• Is this actually true? I’m 99.9% sure the answer is no. You're not a "complete failure" because you ate that second donut. You need to reset and start again.

• Would I say this to someone I care about? Would I tell my kid, my spouse, my friend they're worthless because they made a mistake? Not if you want them to stick around.

The bully deals in absolutes: always, never, completely, totally. Life doesn't work that way. You're not "always" messing up. You're human.

3. CHANGE the narrative

Here's where your inner coach gets to work. Reframe the situation:

• Instead of "I'm terrible at this," try "I'm still learning this."

• Instead of "I failed again," try "That didn't work. How can I adjust?"

• Instead of "I'm so weak," try "I'm brave enough to keep trying."

This isn't toxic positivity. You're not pretending everything is perfect. You're just giving yourself the same grace you'd give literally anyone else.

Your Assignment This Week

Pick one day—just one—and track your self-talk. Keep a note in your phone. Every time you catch the bully showing up, take a note on your phone. Don't try to fix it yet. Just notice.

I bet you'll find your percentage isn't far from J.P.'s 85%.

Then pick one thought—the one that shows up most often—and practice the 3 C's on it. Catch it, challenge it, change it. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

You've given your inner bully decades of practice. It’s time for them to “ride the pine.”

J.P. is already working on this. At 11 years old, he's learning what some of us don't figure out until we're 50: What you tell yourself determines the life you lead.

Fire the bully (buh-bye Pat). They've had their run. They won’t serve the bright future in front of you.

You can do this. Put in the coach and change your life, one thought at a time.

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