“If you are what you do, and you lose your job, who are you?”
-Simone Stolzoff
A good friend of mine invited us to his daughter’s wedding last summer at a beach destination. During the reception, we met many new people. I remember meeting Ron, who lives near us. He asked what I did.
“I used to work for a transportation company leading engineering teams,” I said, “but recently I left to pursue my passion of helping others discover their purpose through my coaching business.” Once he heard that, he immediately began reciting his entire résumé. It was impressive. He made sure to include all the big jobs he’d held and listed the high-powered leaders he knew that I would know. My brain just turned off almost instantly.
But before I’m too hard on Ron, I’ve had this same issue myself. For most of my adult life, I introduced myself by my title and the company I work for. It’s just what respectable people do, right? We establish credentials and understand where we are in the pecking order. In many ways, it’s like a class system.
But what happens if you no longer have your job? Perhaps you’re the victim of a layoff or restructuring. When you no longer have a job title or company to tie your identity to, who are you without it?
This thought rarely crossed my mind before my surgery in 2018. I was serious about climbing the ladder. I couldn’t wait to reach the next rung so I could fulfill my potential and finally become “enough.” When I returned to work after surgery, I didn't get the promotion I'd been dreaming about. In fact, they moved me to a different team where I had to start over from scratch.
It’s clear that I was struggling with what psychologists call “enmeshment.” The word enmesh means “to catch or entangle in.” It describes a situation where boundaries between people blur and individual identities fade. We can become so entangled in what we do that we lose our true identity. Like many high achievers, I had become enmeshed not with another person, but with my job.
Joan sent me a note this week about how she’s struggled with giving too much of herself to work:
“I've given so much of my life to my job - it's honestly terrible. But there comes a time when you have a decision to make. At the end of the day, there is nothing you can do that will change a company’s decision that could end your employment without hesitation.”
She called out a struggle many high achievers have. Companies will make decisions based on what’s best for them. That can include eliminating your position. This causes not only financial upheaval, but also emotional challenges as we struggle to think about who we are beneath the identity of a job title.
So what do you do when you realize you are enmeshed with your job?
I believe the first step is to ask yourself good questions. Start with these:
On an average day, how much time do you spend thinking about your job outside the office?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how mentally present are you with your family when you’re at home?
How many hours do you spend responding to emails and texts outside of work each week?
These questions are the tip of the iceberg. We’ll go deeper in my masterclass on November 16th:
Stuck at Successful: The 3 Questions I Used to Figure Out What’s Next After 31 Years on the Corporate Ladder (Without Quitting My Job).
I’ll share the 3 questions that helped me separate who I am from what I do.
You don’t need to quit your job.
You need to know who you are without it.
See you next Sunday.
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