“It's the world we live in, sadly. No respect, no consideration. Hardly anyone cares anymore.”
“My guess is the person could probably use the steps from a spot much further out.”
These were some comments I read on a social media post recently. An anonymous person was called out for parking in a law enforcement spot at my local grocery store. My initial reaction was annoyance that someone would be so rude. But then I thought, what if my reaction says more about me than the alleged perpetrator?
We tell ourselves stories based on our experiences and the information we consume. These stories can translate into snap judgments. It happens in an instant. If you believe no one respects law enforcement, you could assume this person was thumbing their nose at the police. Or perhaps you think they were out of shape and looking for a shorter walk to the door. Our stories shape how we see the world, regardless of what is true. As William Shakespeare once said,
“Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Stories provide the rationale for how we interpret what we see. In the excellent book “Crucial Conversations”, the authors say, “Our stories contain not just conclusions but also judgments (whether something is good or bad) and attributions (interpretation of others' motives).”
Put differently, we see and hear something, which creates an internal story that drives our emotions and feelings and ultimately leads to action (social media post).
Any set of facts can tell many stories. Let’s go back to the rogue car parker. Instead of assuming the worst, let’s ask some different questions:
Was she an off-duty officer?
Did she recently lose her spouse, who was a law enforcement officer, and did she feel she had a right to park there?
Did she have poor health, and were all the handicapped spots filled?
Did she have a challenging family situation and not notice where she was parking?
The authors of the book say, “If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us.” This idea can help us build better stories and relationships with our families, friends, and strangers.
I used this concept recently at work. I knew something was happening with a coworker, even though they kept saying everything was fine. After a few failed attempts, I said, “Hey Marty, the story I’m telling myself when we talked about this issue is that I let you down by not providing the right support. What did I get right, and what did I get completely wrong in what I just said?” This opened the door to a candid conversation about what was really going on, helped us make real progress on solving the problem, and improved our relationship.
Perhaps the “illegal” parker was insensitive and only cared about their own comfort. It will remain one of life’s big mysteries. I want to make this practical for you. Here are some ideas:
Read Crucial Conversations. It is an engaging read with practical methods to positively impact your most important relationships at home and at work.
Get curious instead of judgmental. Regardless of what your brain tells you, we don’t know the whole story.
Assume positive intent. Each one of us is fighting a battle others know nothing about. Give others more grace, and you will receive it back in return.
May your instinct be to question the stories you tell yourself. With so much turmoil in our world, we will make a difference for those around us by telling ourselves better stories.
See you next Sunday.
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