Don't 'Should' On Yourself
Lay that heavy burden down
Listen to this blog!
This one is for all the perfectionists in the room (like me).
I just finished making a list of things I must complete this weekend. I don’t just make lists. I set high standards that I use to measure my self-worth. I tell myself, “You are a terrible person if this entire list doesn’t get done.” Of course, the list never gets done. Here are a few items on the list: go for a 5-mile hike, write 3 blogs, write a chapter of your book, clean the garage, organize your closet, take that stuff to Goodwill, finish those 5 books you started, prep meals for the next week. And on and on it goes…
What is on your list?
Attaching our self-worth to achievement is like walking around with a 50 lb rucking backpack on.1 When you wake up, you immediately strap it on your back. It’s on while brushing your teeth and washing your hair in the shower. You walk around at work, burdened by the load. It’s another takeout night because you didn’t make it to the grocery store to make your kids a healthy dinner. At night, you fall into your chair, exhausted, ready to recover with some Netflix and TikTok. You don’t feel better. You drag yourself up to bed under the burden of that heavy load. Your head is spinning on the stuff you didn’t get done, and you are only 6 hours away from starting the cycle again.
So, what should a perfectionist do to get out of this spiral? Our counselor, Lisa, has often reminded us to stop “shoulding” on ourselves. Is that crass? It depends on how you look at it. I happen to think she’s right. I know myself well enough to realize that even if I get everything on the list done in record time, I’ll add more items to my “should” list. It’s like there’s always a standard I’m reaching for that is always out of reach.
It’s time to cut yourself some slack. You can’t do your best work when continually focused on what is NOT done. Here are 3 big ideas on how to counteract this tendency:
Celebrate small successes. So, that garage is still a mess, but you finished that nagging work project that’s been out there for weeks. You didn’t get the bedroom painted, but you connected with your son about his friend group challenges.
Give yourself permission to try something and not finish it. So you read a couple of chapters in a book, and it didn’t resonate? Put it down. Donate it to the used bookstore. Perhaps you got precisely what you needed from it and can move on.
Prioritize relationships over getting things done. Invest in the people closest to you. This could be a spouse, significant other, child, or friend. If you must choose between getting something done and adding value to others, choose the latter.
I hope this helped the perfectionists in the room. If nothing else, it helped me to write it! It’s the holiday season. Stress abounds. Don’t add to it. Be extra kind to yourself. Today will never happen again. Make it count!
I'm a big on for "shoulds." I go to bed at night and think, "What did I accomplish today? What did I produce?" It helped for a season when I needed drive and determination, but now, in my 70s, retired, with health issues, it's a very unhelpful companion. I think I should "fire" Should. "You are so fired." Thanks, Tarek.
This one really hit home and especially the ongoing should list that never ends. I’m a master at that one! Thanks for the reminder to keep things in perspective; especially during holidays when it’s even more important to focus on the people and true blessings in our lives. Merry Christmas to you and your sweet family!