Eight Words
The door isn't locked. So why aren't you leaving?
Listen here.
I often think in song lyrics. This one came back to me this week as I was thinking about this topic:
“Seems like I’m caught up in your trap again. Seems like I’ll be wearing the same old chains. Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free. And I know someday I will find the key…”1
I remembered a time 22 years ago. I was a full decade into my first job out of college. And I was stuck in the mud.
I had experienced some success, but when a promotion fell through, I had convinced myself that was it. This was my life now. I’d ride it out until retirement because what other option did I have?
I was in my 30’s. I had a lot of life to live.
Looking back, I’m not sure where that limiting belief came from. Maybe it was because my family was comfortable. We had lots of friends. I felt like I would be letting them down if we moved.
But spouses know us all too well. Susanna knew I was miserable. She ran into a friend and was sharing my struggle with her.
Her response was exactly eight words:
“Why doesn’t Tarek just get a new job?”
When Susanna told me, I thought, “She doesn’t understand! I have too much responsibility at work. At church. I can’t leave!”
But the thought didn’t leave my head. And eventually it was like someone flipped on the lights in a dark room.
Why don’t I just get a new job?
I’m not in indentured servitude. I have the power to choose a different life.
Six months later (it took me a while!), I hired a resume service to refresh my resume. I became proud of the experience I had. I realized I had a lot to offer. I started reaching out to people I knew at other companies. Eventually, I landed a job at a company I had interned with previously.
I’ve written before about how we sometimes hold the keys to our own cage. We hire mental prison guards who keep us stuck in place. We tell ourselves stories about why we can’t change, and those stories start to feel like facts.
Or we blame larger forces: The systems are rigged. Political and economic forces are holding us down.
I get why some feel this way. Fill your mind with the news, and you’ll find reasons to believe you’re powerless. The economy. The job market. AI. It makes sense that some would conclude they don’t have much choice.
Don’t get me wrong, there are people in the world facing real oppression and poverty, things I’ve never had to deal with. But if you’re reading this, that’s likely not you.
I’m talking to the rest of us. We can pay our bills. We have internet access and enough breathing room to go out to eat, take vacations, and read blogs about personal growth.
Through some recent coaching conversations, I’ve noticed a pattern. I wasn’t alone. Some people look successful on paper but feel stuck on the inside:
One person said he’s on track for a VP role in a few years, but he’s not excited about it. He’s terrified. Once he gets there, he feels locked in for the next 20 years. His job pays the bills but has no ties to what lights him up. But the money is good, and the path is set for him.
Another described himself as “somewhat of a robot going through the motions.” He dreams of starting his own business, but there’s financial risk. He spent years counting every penny. Now that things are stable, he doesn’t want to go back, so he stays in a job that feels like “getting by” rather than living.
These aren’t people without options. They’re people who’ve convinced themselves those options aren’t available.
So here’s the one question I want you to sit with this week:
What are you waiting for permission to do?
Maybe it’s having the honest conversation with your boss about what you actually want. Maybe it’s applying for a job you think you’re not qualified for. Starting the business. Pivoting to something that lights you up, even if it means stepping off the comfortable path.
Maybe it’s smaller. Saying “no” to something that drains you. Saying “yes” to something that scares you. Being more yourself at work instead of performing for others.
Whatever it is, the permission you’re waiting for has to come from one person.
You.
I needed eight words from a friend to see what was right in front of me. Maybe this is your version of that moment.
You have more power to choose than you think. Use it.
I've been building something I'm really excited about. It's called The Authentic Purpose Experience. It’s for successful leaders who've done everything right on paper but privately feel like they're just going through the motions. If your spouse has ever looked at you and said, "You're not any fun anymore" (mine did), or if no amount of vacation seems to recharge you, that's not a stress problem. That's a purpose problem. And it's fixable. Reply or DM “PURPOSE” to this post, and I’ll share more.
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Bruce singing “Trapped” in all his Born in the USA glory
I was a forty-year-old single mom with a high-stress job that was stealing my health. I had no family left, no parents, no grandparents. It was all up to me. Then I met a man in a parking lot. We began dating. He wanted to move to Montana, of all places (I had rarely traveled outside of California by this time). He asked me to marry him and move to Montana. "I can't do that," I thought. I talked to a friend, and she said, "Why can't you do that?" I realized I had a choice. I took it. We will have been married for thirty-two years in June, and it was the best decision I ever made.
I wrote a poem when I was in 10th grade:
Trapped with no way out,
four walls surround and cage me;
strict rulers keep me in- I dare not disobey.
And yet the sun is calling.
The grass is always calling, calling.
Telling me they're free- saying I could be.
That's the gist of it, and there ARE times we feel trapped. I am glad you had ears to hear the wisdom and courage to take the step. Now, whenever I feel trapped, I go for a walk and am thankful to have agency. The poem ended with:
I shall be free and ne'er be caged again!
It's a choice... Even if it takes time and a change in our perspective.