I married you for better or worse. Not lunch.
He laughed. She wasn't joking.
Listen here.
This is the third in a five-part series about the obstacles that can keep us stuck in “safe” jobs, even when we know it’s time to move on. I surveyed 52 high achievers who have retired or are nearing their next act. We’ve covered money fears and the fact that you are not your title. This week we’re going to talk about our closest relationship.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin
Mark brought up an obstacle I gave little thought to before I quit my corporate job. “Your significant other and you now have 50+ hours each week of potential overlap in your lives, so how will that work?” A friend of his had shared an interaction he and his wife had early in his retirement. Stan popped downstairs late one morning to check in with his wife. “Hey honey, what’s for lunch?” She looked at him with a raised eyebrow and said, “Look, Stan, I married you for better or for worse, but not for lunch. I’m busy, and you’ll need to figure that out yourself!”
Another respondent asked the question differently: “Will my wife get sick of me being around so much? Will it damage our relationship?”
No one talks about this much. That’s exactly why it stays unplanned. Nearly a third of respondents named spouse dynamics as a challenge, and you can’t hand this off (like finances) to an advisor.
Susanna and I found this out last January during my newfound state of “athomeness.” We have been in love for 40 years and married for 35 years (it should have been 41, but it took her longer to warm up to me!). Like every couple, we had work and other activities we did on our own. As we approached a decision last year on starting a coaching business, she was my biggest supporter and fan. But man, it was different when I didn’t have to get up and drive to the office. She needs her alone time in the morning for prayer and Bible study. I get up before she does, go to the gym, pray, and then get into focused business-building time. In the last 6 months, I’ve learned to make sure she has coffee ready when she wakes up and not to start any serious conversations before 9:30 AM.
You may be further along than we are. One friend reminded me of something that should have been obvious. The COVID lockdown handed millions of us way too much overlap time with zero warning, and every couple learned something about how they’d handle retirement, whether they realized it or not. Or perhaps you’ve worked at home forever, and this is old hat. But for those of us who are new to it, there is an adjustment.
It can be done well. John described the assignment he and his wife took on together: “My wife and I are learning to celebrate being together 24-7.”
I like that. Not just tolerate but celebrate. Let’s be real for a minute. Marriage is hard work, and it’s absolutely worth it. But in a hard pivot like quitting your 9-to-5, the same old playbook won’t work. You’ve got to toss it out.
So here are three questions to ask your spouse this week over coffee or a nice dinner at your favorite restaurant:
What do you picture an ordinary Monday morning looking like — for you, for me, for us? You may find you have two very different pictures of the same future. It helps to get clarity.
What time needs to stay yours, and what time stays mine? Fifty hours of togetherness can feel suffocating if you aren’t intentional about it. You don’t want to crowd each other out.
If one of us stops working before the other, what changes at home? Say it out loud. What are your concerns? What do we need to work through? Unspoken plans become resentments.
None of these questions is complicated. That’s the point. The couples who handle this well aren’t smarter. They are just talking about it intentionally.
Here’s your homework for this week. Pick question one and ask it at dinner. Then listen and repeat back what you thought they said. Give them space to correct your understanding. You’re not pitching your plan. You’re finding out whether you’re both picturing the same thing.
Whatever you were put on this earth to do, you’ll do it better when you both are rowing the boat in the same direction.
If you’re single, you may have skipped this one. No worries at all. Next Sunday we’ll get into a topic that is relevant to all: even with the money solved and the marriage aligned, most people still can’t pull the trigger. The reason surprised me.
So invest in your most important relationship this week. You won’t regret it.
See you next Sunday.
P.S. I am excited to offer a free masterclass on August 4th at 6 PM CST called “Don’t Quit Your Job (Yet).” This isn’t necessarily for people who are ready to retire, although you could be. It’s for people who know what’s next is coming and want to be well prepared. Follow this LINK to save your seat!
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It’s interesting even for us singletons! You’re just setting us up for success early.
i still love you “after all these years” 🤣❤️