Tell Me What I Want (what I really really want)

What an 11 year old taught me about approval

Listen here.

Picture a gym at an elementary school. Twenty adults are standing around the room. Kids are coming in 20 at a time. Each one walks up to a stranger, shakes their hand, introduces themselves, and tries to hold an adult conversation. Multiple conversations are going on at once, loud, tall adults leaning down to talk to fifth graders: the most committed ones dressed like they’re heading to a job interview.

This is The Amazing Shake, a competition that schools around the country now host. The idea is straightforward: teach kids the professional skills most adults assume you just pick up somewhere along the way. A firm handshake. Eye contact. How to talk with someone you’ve never met. My friend Ryan invited me to judge the local version at Grimes Elementary, a few miles from my house. Around 70 kids participated that day.

theamazingshake.com

It was one of the best things I’ve done in a long time.

After the first round, we were invited back to judge the five finalists. This was a small room with breakfast. The kids were expected to navigate eating and having adult conversations. These weren’t just good kids. They were the best of the best. The top two from this group would get to interview the superintendent on a talk show-style program the next week.

We went around the room, and each kid answered the same question: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Cole wanted to be a baseball player and make a lot of money. Dicardo wanted to be a drop shipper. An 11-year-old. Drop shipping. He had clearly thought this through and had parents who were feeding his confidence and an entrepreneurial streak. I love that. Olivia wanted to be a counselor so she could help people dealing with mental health challenges. She clearly has a heart that wants to serve others.

Dicardo was the big winner!

And then there was Nicole.

She went last. She took a breath and said she wanted to be an artist. Painting specifically. She talked about following famous painters and studying their work. Here’s what struck me.

Even though several of the other answers had a clear monetary “success” attached to them, she didn’t glance around the room to see if everyone else approved. She just said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

That’s the thing about kids. They haven’t been assimilated yet. No one has told Nicole that “artist” is a risky answer, that she should have a backup plan, or that she might want to consider something more practical. She just knows what she loves, and she said it out loud to a room full of strangers.

Somewhere between grade school and adulthood, we start reading the room before we answer. We learn to give the acceptable answer, the sensible answer, the answer that won’t raise eyebrows. And over time, we forget what we actually think.

I heard Tony Robbins say, “When you’re in your head, you’re dead.”

So what can this mean? It’s the habit of editing yourself before you open your mouth. Telling yourself your real answer is too weird, too risky, too different from what everyone else is saying. So you give the safe answer. And you keep giving safer ones until you can’t remember who you really are.

You were wired a certain way for a reason — to use your natural gifts to impact the world for good. Nicole painting and studying great artists isn’t a lesser path than being an entrepreneur, counselor, or playing baseball. It’s her path. And she knows that at 11 years old. I hope there are people around her who will never let her lose her dream.

What’s one thing you’ve pushed down so that your life could feel “safe”?

I’ll see you next Sunday.

P.S. If you haven’t been inside an elementary school lately, call the one closest to your house this week. Ask what volunteer opportunities they have. You don’t need a special skill. You just need to be available. I guarantee you’ll be better for it.

Why your success feels empty (and what to do about it). Sign up HERE.

---

If you enjoyed this post, the best compliment I could receive would be for you to share it with one other person. Thank you.