Listen here.
I’m having lunch with Michael, a friend I’ve known for 20 years. We’re catching up over some ramen noodles after not seeing each other for a while. Out of nowhere, he tells me about an idea he’s thinking about.
If you’ve ever been to the beach, you can picture the scene. It’s a man of a certain age, dressed in a small Speedo. His body type is, let’s say, 180 degrees from Arnold Schwarzenegger back in his heyday. His hands on his hips, proudly walking around without one care in the world about what anyone thinks of him. You can picture him, right? Well, if you need some help, here you go!
“Tarek,” Michael says, “I wish I could stop caring what anybody else thought about me. I’ve held back in meetings. I’ve held back in social situations. All because I’m afraid of looking foolish.”
I knew exactly what he meant.
I can remember specific meetings where I had something to add. Something valuable. But I was terrified of looking foolish in front of people who seemed more confident, who had more experience, and seemed to know so much more than I did. So I stayed quiet. I left my impact on the table. I didn’t add value to the group. In fact, every time I didn’t speak up, my influence and consequently my leadership was going in reverse.
We convince ourselves that everyone in that meeting is analyzing our every word, waiting for us to mess up. The truth is, they’re probably worried about their own presentation, what they’re having for lunch, or when they have to be at their kids’ soccer game. That fear of judgment we carry around? It’s actually our ego talking. We think we’re so important that everyone must be focused on us.
They’re not.
I finally realized my company wasn’t paying me to be silent and defer to others. They were paying me to speak up and add value. My perspective matters. It still does.
So I started sharing my ideas. Getting my reps in. It was uncomfortable at first. Really uncomfortable. But it got easier the more I did it. Confidence is like building muscle. You don’t start out curling 50 pounds. You start with the 5-pound weights and work your way up each day.
As author Brené Brown puts it: “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
Looking at Michael across the table, I notice how much we’ve both grown in the years since we worked closely together. Less judgment on ourselves. More comfortable with who we are. We’re not quite at Speedo-on-the-beach levels of confidence (lucky for all the beach goers!), but we’re getting there.
Here are some practical ideas to help you stop caring about what others think, so you can live authentically:
The 3 R’s to Stop Caring What Others Think
Recognize when you’re holding back due to fear. That moment when you have an idea, but that voice in your head says, “That’s probably stupid.” That’s your cue. The fear is loudest right before you need to speak up the most.
Reality Check yourself. Remember that people are thinking about themselves, not you. They’re worried about their own contributions, their own deadlines, their own insecurities. Your moment of vulnerability barely registers on their radar.
Release the need for perfection and act despite the fear. Share the half-formed idea. Ask the “dumb” question. Be the person who says what everyone else is thinking but too afraid to say.
Here’s what I know now: We’re most equipped to lead when we lead from our authenticity. When we stop trying to please everybody. When we stop performing and start being.
You’re the only one qualified for the job of being you. There are problems only you can solve. There are people only you can help.
This week, practice the 3 R’s in one meeting. Just one meeting. Share that idea you’ve been sitting on. Ask that question you think everyone else already knows the answer to. Watch what happens when you stop protecting yourself and actually take up space in the room.
Build your influence day by day until you don’t recognize who you are anymore. No speedo required.
Your voice matters as much as anyone else’s. Go use it.