When Words Fail
Empathy beats sympathy every time
Listen here.
Early in our marriage, my wife was struggling through some health challenges. I shared this with a work colleague. “Everyone has their cross to bear,” he responded. I remember it so well because of how poorly this comment landed. Either he was trying to be helpful or get out of the conversation, perhaps both. Also during that same season, someone in our church told me, “You must have some unconfessed sin that you need to talk to God about.” Geez. Really? This comment hurt more than the first. How did I feel walking away from both of these conversations? Bad. Terrible. Unhelped. Worse than I had before.
We’ve all been on the receiving end of an exchange like this. Perhaps a friend shares that their kid is on drugs, their marriage is on the rocks, they’ve experienced a miscarriage, or they just got a really tough medical diagnosis. You want to say something to make things better, but you have no idea what to say.
So, how do you say words that will heal and not hurt? A few years ago, our marriage counselor shared this video with us. It’s worth 3 minutes of your time:
The bottom line is that empathy fuels connection, and sympathy drives disconnection. Choosing to connect with someone in their pain is the true gift. Can it be uncomfortable? Sure. Is it worth it? Always.
Here are some practical ideas on what you might say or do to empathize with friends going through difficult times:
“I am so sorry. That has to be so hard. Tell me more about it.” Listen and ask questions. Don’t offer solutions.
“Thank you for trusting me enough to share this. I am so sorry. Tell me more about what you are going through.” Listen and ask questions. Don’t offer solutions.
“I know there’s nothing I can say to make this better. I’m here for you.” Listen and ask questions. Don’t offer solutions.
After you talk to them, send encouraging texts. Do something radical and send a voice text. Hearing your voice makes a difference.
Stifle the urge to talk about the hair stylist of your great aunt’s 4th cousin twice removed and how she went through a much worse situation.
Look, I’ve gotten empathy wrong plenty of times. I’ve often said the wrong thing. We can all get better. I hope this message served you today. Who can you show empathy to today? Make it a great week.
Soooo good! Such great wisdom and truth we can all step into more of!
Eight years ago, when I told a close childhood friend's mom about my son's abduction, she said "oh my God that pain you feel will never get better!"
I'll never forget that… I wish I could've sent her this to read at that moment!! Great one!